Why do we care what other people think of us?

By Amy Slattery

 

It can be a bit of a confronting question as it's pretty easy to come out with “I don’t care what people think!” but when it really comes down to it…do you?  Do you really?

Why do you think we are so concerned with what people think of us?  Unfortunately some of the things we work though today are hard wired from too long ago to think about it, the need to be liked goes all the way back to the times of tribes…where literally if you were an outcast you could be excluded from the group and in those times alone could mean DEATH!

So its not unnatural to have the fear of acceptance and hence worrying what other people think of you, however if the fear is debilitating or stopping you from success or living to your full potential then its time to ask your self WHY!

When the fear of being judged, laughed at, talked about or excluded is there it can stop you from grabbing opportunities that come your way (sometimes stopping to think about what others will think can lead to an opportunity passing you by).  This can be true for things that bring us success even in times of wealth, money can be that dirty word sometimes – will people think I’m a snob if I earn a certain amount, live in a certain suburb, drive a certain car.  You can see how this can become a problem!

We focus a lot on goals at The 7 Effect and this fear really can stop people from achieving their goals…or setting goals around what other people will think, which tends to mean small and easily achievable goals.

You’ve probably heard that the number 1 fear for human beings is speaking in front of groups, this is before death which comes in at number 5 and loneliness coming in a number 7!  Which is scary to think that we are less afraid of dying all alone compared to the odd chance we might make a fool of ourself in front of others.

So although we have this hard wired aspect to ourselves there are things we can do!

Like most things the first step is self awareness – just stopping to ask yourself why you are feeling a certain way in situations can be a great start, than uneasy ‘gut’ feeling we sometimes have is a great physical symptom to get you to stop and access what is really going on. 

Focus on what in life do you value?  Getting clear on your values not only helps with that gut feeling of decision making but also the clearer you are, the more you will focus on what matters, if one of your values is happiness, focusing on that and why it’s a value can in turn stop you from worrying about how others see you in the happiness space.

Now’s the harder part – stop worrying about what others think!  Yikes how do I do that? I’ve come across people who will ask everyone they know for their opinion before making a decision, we all have the answers within us so why take a survey of all your friends before you make a decision?  This can also have a negative  affect on your friendship, if you then don’t take that persons advice (because you’ve asked around until you’ve found the answer you wanted) they might feel affronted “why did they bother asking me if they weren’t going to follow my advice?”  that’s a whole other blog so wont go into too much there!

This is going to be hard at first – but like anything the more your awareness grows, the more your confidence grows and you’ll probably find you start caring less about what others think when it comes down to it.  This is of course not in a cold hearted way at all (that’s again worrying that other people will think you aren’t caring and compassionate…the thing is if they are thinking that its really nothing you can do about it, that ball falls in their court and their belief system).

So to leave you with some actions:

1. 1.     Don’t ignore that gut feeling when a new opportunity comes your way
2. 2.     Ask yourself WHY you feel that way?
3. 3.     Does that feeling serve or hinder you?
4. 4.     Look to yourself for the answer rather than others
5. 5.     Get clear on your values and make them a focus
6. 6.     Let people see the real you
7. 7.     Be kind to yourself!  People will always have an opinion but the key is choosing what you do with that opinion!

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

Dr. Seuss

Live life by design, not by default!

 

Do you have the X Factor?

by Amy Slattery

Ok I’ll admit it…I love the X Factor *oh the shame…

But it did get me thinking about what we expect our life to become?  We live in a world where thanks to the various media streams we are bombarded with what seem like overnight success stories (or the chance of overnight lottery wins)…the high school kid making over $300K trading on his mobile phone, the email app that went from $0 to $200mil in 18 months, homeless artist now selling sketches for thousands! 

Don’t get me started on the various reality shows that seem to propel the normal everyday person into a superstar in the flash of an eye!

However what doesn’t shine like a neon light are all the hours and hard work along the way, the failures, the risks, the criticism, dusting yourself off and getting back too it.

When Jodie and I were launching The 7 Effect I was surprised on a lot of corners that well meaning contact “wow your brave launching a business in this economic climate”, “have you ever run your own business?”, “what will you do if it doesn’t work out”, “oh yeah I’ve seen lots of similar business online”.

Well meaning for the most part, but if I choose to listen to all of those comments with fear I would not be celebrating the life I live now.  We didn’t go into the business blindly, but it was a risk and we have learnt a lot along the way, but what didn’t waiver was our confidence that we will make it work and the worst case if it didn’t work out I’d find another job, or start something new.  There are always choices we can make with the information we are provided with.

So that brings me back to “What is your X Factor?”

Sometimes we can get a bit caught up in the fact that you need some superstar hidden talent with a back story to match the sadness of all of life’s tragedies to have something to offer, that we need to be ‘different’ to everyone else and have that edge.

Well I strongly believe that is not the case!

It makes me think of Thomas Edison and his invention of the light bulb…Edison didn’t actually come up with the whole concept, his was just the first to be proved practical, and affordable for use in the home (electric lights already existed on the streets).  So he improved on something that was already in play in the world rather than inventing something completely new.

Of course if you have a completely new idea then absolutely go for it…but if your innovation is improving on a need then that can be even better!  Check out the team at www.dreamfarm.com who’s business is completely on improving everyday kitchen and household appliances!

So if you can do anything today, set aside 10minutes to have a complete brain dump of what your strengths are, what skills do you have, what do you love to spend time on, if you could change something what would it be, how do/would people describe you…don’t let yourself get caught up in any if’s or but’s or negative self talk (play a bit of Eye of the Tiger just before if you need to).

After the 10 minutes is up give yourself a 5 minute breather, just walk around move around, stretch, star jumps (no judgment here).  Then come back to what you have written down.

Highlight 3 points you’ve put down and flesh them out with 3 actions underneath each that are things you can do to strengthen that description of yourself.

I.e. you might right down you are great at organizing things and love spending time with family and friends…so you might want a action item to set up a Family BBQ or a girls/boys night out?

Each week keep reviewing and developing from your initial list are focus on your strengths, skills and what you enjoy doing, the confidence will come and perhaps even a new idea!

Live life by design!

Amy 

I want what she's having...

 

by Amy Slattery

Sound familiar?  Of course the line “I'll have what she’s having” was made famous by the movie When Harry Met Sally, however I found it became a regular comment I used to joke about wanting what someone else had ‘because that would make me just like them’ so there was the familiar "I want what she's having".

Its taken me awhile to move past the need to have the right ‘things’ to create change in my life (you know the voices in your head that convince us…when I have the right workout gear, car, house, partner etc. I will be fitter, healthier, smarter, more people will like me…essentially I will be happier).

Of course in reality we know having the right gear alone wont make us happier (deep down), but it's even easier to then rationalise in our minds with excuses or blame as to why that new car you bought had to started to loose its shine after a the initial thrill wore off.

It really is interesting to me that over the past 18 months of working with clients at The 7 Effect I am hearing a similar phrase “oh but that’s you…I couldn’t do that”, “I’d love to do what your doing...but (insert excuses)”.  So I’ve recently found myself thinking wow some people out there want what I’m having??

I am very excited to say that I am having the best time of my life right now, and its not the money or things that are doing it.  It is that I am truly HAPPY (and its not the "oh no, now that i've reached this place what bad things will follow") and I feel that it's resonating with people I come into contact with each and every day.

But the thing is...there wasn’t a magical pill (dammit), its taken work, sometimes confronting and hard work, but it truly is worth it.

The majority of my working life had been in hospitality with the adage “if you’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to clean”, in that the harder you worked the more successful you would be which is how a lot of us are brought up – the more successful you are in life the happier you will be.  If I can just get that qualification, that new job, move into that house/suburb, loose 5kg then I will have reached success and I will definitely be happy.

Unfortunately or fortunately (however you choose to look at it) findings are that happiness actually drives success.  When we are happy we have more energy, we are more motivated, engaged and productive.

Have you ever noticed when challenges come your way it can sometimes lead to a vicious cycle of depression, anxiety, stress or sadness?

I've had those times in my life…I had a period over 2008/2009 where my 7 year relationship ended and my father was diagnosed with myeloma only to pass away 2 months after the diagnosis, it was a horrible time and I completely fell into a dark hole of depression…I wasn’t eating or sleeping and an overwhelming sadness took hold of me.  It didn’t take me long to realise this would not be a sustainable place to stay!  So I set some goals to get myself outta there!

Knowing what I want and the ability to set goals and work towards them is one of the main tools that has lead me on my path to happiness!

I have mostly been a positive person through out my life…but there was always that ‘worrier’ side to me that I've worked on and has now also changed, as it really was the white noise in my head about things I really had no control over that I was worrying about in the first place!

I believe that a true sense of happiness makes us more resilient and stronger to the everyday challenges life brings us, so why not set yourself a goal to work on those aspects of your life when and where you are happiest?

When I get the comments “oh but that’s you” or “I couldn’t do that”, I can confidently reply with yes you can…but you are going to need to get real with yourself and make it a focus.

At the moment I am listening to The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor which I am loving and would highly recommend!  The best part?  He has 7 Actionable Principles he shares to help capitalise on this advantage of happiness (how about that…would you believe there are 7).

What I was really excited about most is that I am already utilising some of the principles naturally – you might be too!

The ones that resonate with me are:

• Falling Up – when those negative moments in life happen I am well aware of finding a path out and up and how that event can make me stronger.  This completely rang true for me last month when I had a miscarriage.  The extreme happiness high to a heartbreaking low was devastating, however it wasn’t the end of the world and I found myself comforted in taking the positives out of the situation (knowing that I can fall pregnant and it was a trial run!)
• The Zorro Circle – this is a no brainer for me over the number of years of setting goals and working towards them.  At times of chaos I can reign things in by focusing on small, manageable goals getting stronger and stronger.
• Social Investments – this is where I excel ha-ha, I really do invest a lot of time and energy in my friends, peers and family.  Not only for times of need, but when those times do come up, I have one of the most amazing support networks anyone could wish for.

Shawn mentions that all 7 principles are important, however “research has shown that the 7^th one, Social Investment is perhaps the most crucial to long term happiness, health and success”, GoodThinkInc.

So what are you doing in your life to increase happiness?

1.    Start to look at the signs, thoughts and feelings that come up when a negative event happens in your life.

2.    Set some goals around your social networks, spending quality time with family and friends (really connecting, not just looking at a screen of some sort while your all in the same room).

3.    Set yourself a 30 day challenge of a positive activity (exercise, meditation, journaling etc.

4.    Look at the balance of positive to negative influences in your life…you might need to have some tough conversations with people or reduce the time spent with them?

The world can be a tough or wonderful place depending how you choose to look at it, the benefits of being happier and having a positive mindset really can lead to success.  We always have a choice so choose to be happy!

Live life by design…not but default!

Do you have an Upper Limit Problem?

by Amy Slattery

What are Upper Limits?  

I've just finished listening to The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks...I loved it!  So much so that I began to drive my business partner Jodie crazy with my claims of "wow its my Upper Limit" "it's your Upper Limit" "its his/her Upper Limit!

Gay's book talks about how every single one of us carries with us entrenched, unconscious ideas of just how happy and successful we can be.  These ideas can lead to self-sabotage in all aspects of our lives.

I likened it to the stories of the lottery instant millionaires, the ones who came from nothing or were struggling to suddenly finding themselves flushed with cash...more than they could have ever dreamed of.  That is the problem they never thought they were 'entitled' to have so much money and that is then when you hear the stories of some lotto winners losing it all, or even ending up worse off and in total debt!  They reached their Upper Limit!

Do you ever hear yourself saying things like "I always find the same girl/guy", "I don't know where my money goes", "oh my business isn't worth that much", I never have enough time or money".  Maybe these are instances of reaching your Upper Limit?

So why do we do this to ourselves?

We all have this little gauge (sometimes voice) in our heads that determines how much love, happiness and success we allow ourselves to enjoy and this is normally established when we are young.  Once this is set it can hold us back from enjoying all the love and success that is ours!

Now how does this all work and what can we do about it?  Like anything I believe it all starts with awareness, so Gay details that the Upper Limit Problem is set around 4 hidden barriers:

1.    Feeling Fundamentally Flawed

This can be a really big barrier - you have a belief that you are flawed in some way, so the fear is that if you start to use your talents, you could fail, so you tend to just play it safe with small 'risks' so at least if you so try something and fail it is only a small set back.

2.    Disloyalty & Abandonment

Here you have a feeling that if you succeed "it would cause you to end up all alone, be disloyal to your roots and leave behind the people from your past"

Gay gives a couple of questions you can ask yourself to find out if this is one of the barriers you have:

"Did I break my families spoken or unspoken rule to get where I am?"

"Did I fail to meet the expectations my parents had of me?"

I the above questions brought about a yes then you might feel more and more guilty the more successful and happy you become, the guilt then makes you stop and holds you back.

3.    Believing that More Success Makes you a Bigger Burden

You might be thinking that doesn't even make sense!  How can success be a burden?  Gay gives a personal example of this one that sums this barrier up so well "This barrier held one of the biggest challenges for me. When I was born, I was greeted with two mixed messages: You’re a burden, and you’re a celebration. I was a burden to my mother, but a cause for celebration to my grandparents. My father had died a few weeks after my conception, leaving my mother with $300, my older brother to raise, and me in the womb. Starting out my life as a combination of burden and celebration caused me to repeat this combination often in adult life. I would have a positive breakthrough, then immediately start feeling I was a burden on the world. But the guilt I felt for being a burden was for crimes I hadn’t committed. If we remove the guilt of the crimes our parents and siblings convicted us of before we walked into kindergarten, we are liberated from the Upper-Limit Problem"

4.    The Crime of Outshining

This barrier comes with the worry and guilt that if I succeed I would outshine someone else and that would make him or her feel bad.  A good example is seen with children, parents can unconsciously pass on a thought that if once child is more gifted they should turn down their success so that they don't outshine the other family members.  This can then carry on to adulthood, you might see it more in adults where they are still very successful but really play down their success and don't talk about it.

So spend sometimes looking a situations and thought, is it an Upper Limit Problem?  Spend some more time on looking at where that really comes from, so be aware, find the root cause, understand it and don't let is top you from reaching your full potential for love, success and happiness!

Live life by design... not by default!

The day I fell in love with Marianne...

By Amy Slattery

So I'm in love, it's not what I would call a romantic love...but a very strong feeling of affection ;)

We recently had the opportunity of a one-day workshop with Marianne Williamson while she was on tour in Australia, if you know of her then you could possibly feel the same way!

Marianne is an internationally acclaimed spiritual author and lecturer who has published 11 books (6 of which have been on the New York Times Best Sellers and 4 have been #1), her charity work on top of all this is truly amazing.

It is a little confronting when talking spirituality and what you believe in, as throughout my life I've always a thought that there is 'something' out there bigger than us, but I haven't ever been a religious person in terms of following Christianity, Catholicism or Buddhism for example and with that I have always admired people who did have that faith or belief.  That's another thing value with Marianne, she does believe in a God (she is of Jewish faith), but when Marianne speaks it's very clear that you don't have to take this from a religious place - its what you decide.  There is more of a focus that EVERYTHING is a RELATIONSHIP.

I first came across Marianne through her audio workshop - A Return to Love...which to be honest I loved.  To say she is a straight shooter is an understatement!  So much so that it took me a little while to get used to her "sometimes love is a big fat 'NO' ", where to truly love and give love might sometimes mean saying "no".

Marianne's teachings always come back to 2 limits - that of FEAR and LOVE, in that we are acting, behaving or experiencing from either Fear or Love, where the ultimate goal is to always come from a place of LOVE.  I now considered any thought, action or experience I have if its not favourable as asking myself where is this coming from - a place of LOVE or FEAR, am I or this person having a 'reaction' from Fear?  What is my belief at that point in time?  Its fascinating once you start playing around with these concepts and thoughts!

So in the spirit of all things 7 I thought I would share my 7 key takeaways from the workshop:

1.    "All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone." Blaise Pascal, Pensees

I think we all know what meditation can do for us, but hearing this quote at the workshop really made me think about not just meditating but just how fast paced and crazy life is for people at the moment, we want it all and we want it now!  Personally I am a recovering FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out), I spent a long time just not wanting to miss out on anything, so of course I said yes to everything, filling in my time with activities!  Don't get me wrong they were all fun activities and things to do, but I just found myself getting burnt out and then cancelling things because I was just too tired!  I'm still a work in progress on this one but I'm getting there.  If you have trouble meditating really persist - its my goal for 2015 to make this a habit!  Maybe start with slowing things down a bit, just try sitting alone quietly for 2 minutes, then 5 then 10 and so on, you don't need to be a meditation guru from the get go!  It's also great to give this a go in the mornings...in the morning our minds are most open to new impressions!

2.    "Words are just symbols" Friedrich Nietzsche

The whole quote is actually “Words are but symbols for the relations of things to one another and to us; nowhere do they touch upon absolute truth.... Through words and concepts we shall never reach beyond the wall of relations, to some sort of fabulous primal ground of things.”

I loved this idea, what I took away from this is that a word is just a way of explaining and idea, action, person, object etc and different words bring about different images and ideas for different people - we get this a lot even with Jodie and I in the business - we associate different meanings, visuals and beliefs to certain words so sometimes when we are deciding on 'words' for our tools, courses and programs things can get a bit confusing!  So I'm now using the follow up "what do you mean by that?" when words don't connect the dots in my head...try it!

3.    The EGO is suspicious at best and vicious at worst

Ego - a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance.  With Marianne I understood this to be the concept of just thinking and 'being' of only yourself where her concept is that EVERYTHING is a relationship and that the ego is a false belief that we are separate from each other, so all things are a relationship and this is the spirit or essence of life.  So Marianne is very conscious to be wary of our ego in any situation and it does make sense to me...that little voice in my head sometimes could be my ego talking and its making me step back and think - right am I coming from a place of love or a place of fear in this situation?

4.    If you are leaving to avoid learning a lesson, then that lesson will come back into your life

This is one thing I do believe in... Karma!  This has been so true for me in this life - sometimes I have moved on from things knowing I am not taking 100% ownership and you betcha its come back with that lesson to learn.  Be willing to see things differently and question the situations that come to you...you cannot rationally explain and irrational moment.  Pause, reflect and question.

5.    Your experience of a situation is determined by your own thoughts and beware the danger of an unrecognised belief

This is pretty self evident - sometimes we want to understand a situation so badly that we don't realise our experience is completely determined by our own thought and beliefs... and the danger of unrecognised beliefs can cause havoc!  We do it everyday, we assess people based on that first 5 seconds of meeting them, but we don't know their story so whatever determinations we make are only coming from our own beliefs, and where are they coming from?

6.    Don't act from the wound!

I love that in the office when there's a crazy situation we can move through things with laughter, so it has been a bit of a joke 'hmmm maybe I'm acting from my wound'.  Marianne when talking about acting from the wound is really talking about all those past situations that we carry with us through life, they are all filed away in our subconscious and without realising that primitive fight or flight reaction can take over...so now when we are coming from a place of fear rather than love a common catch phrase is now "maybe I'm acting from my wound?"

7.    We pay a high price for not taking 100% ownership of our experience

I am a big believer in this - I'm not perfect by any means but its the awareness I am now loving within myself and that is the concept of taking 100% ownership...of our experience, relationships, situations, feelings and reactions.  Awareness I believe is the answer and it's one of my values, I think is easy to go through life without paying real attention to ourselves, what we are doing and putting out there.  Marianne says "that which is unowned festers and poisons you", which I do believe!  It is easy to stay below the line - blame, anger and excuses, however by taking full responsibility that is playing above the line and that's where we want to be!  You are 100% responsible for your relationships and experiences so really be mindful of that day to day, it's easy to blame someone for their behaviour or make excuses - but remember you are 100% responsible for your experience - so why not make it from a place of love rather than fear?

There was so much I took away from just the one day, it really was amazing!  So the above is a bit of a 'blurt' so feel free to get in touch and share your thoughts, or look up Marianne or A Course In Miracles and see what you think and what you get out of it!

You heal with the 'aha' moments

Live life by design... not by default!

**If you are interested in joining us at our next Ultimate Life Planning Workshop head to our programs page for dates near you!